When you are living one day at a time, how do you plan for a new year?...

As Christmas has now reared it's overtly commercial ugly head for yet another year it is hard to remember the true meaning of Christmas, and indeed to stay grounded and remember all that we have to be thankful for.

It's also a time to remember those who are no longer with us this Christmas. For me I truly do not know how Christmas is going to go after losing my Mum this year. My Mum was a true believer in having her family around her at such an important time of year, especially as a Christian.

I must admit as someone who usually worked a lot over the Christmas period it was usually a strain to free up some time as I didn't get much time off and I usually wanted to spend it alone chilling out and having a rest. I can truly say now that that was a big mistake, and that family truly is the most important thing at Christmas, no matter what your job or whether you want time to yourself or not, as one year you will find you really are by yourself and you will regret lost opportunities.

But if you suffer mental health issues Christmas can be a real problem, and if you have Anxiety like me the pressure of keeping everyone happy and getting around everyone and doing all the Christmassy things can be a real challenge and often a daunting one. It can be hard to not make people feel like they aren't important to you because you are not making an effort, but it is not by choice, it is often a matter of survival to get through the stressful period in one piece and come out the other side actually looking forward to yet another year of the same.



My Dad will be spending his first Christmas without my Mum this year and I have to think how he is going to feel this year. I am off work on Christmas Day and Boxing Day afternoon and evening so chances are it could be the usual Boxing Day meal out like we usually do, as it always gave myself and my brother Christmas day to ourselves to spend how we please.

In my brothers case it was obviously enjoying Christmas with his own family which is important as the kids are young and they need to feel like Christmas is all about their day together and not rushing around all day trying to visit all the parents and in laws etc which can be a stretch at the best of times. Some years I don't even get the chance to catch up with him myself as our time off never matches, it's like working a shift and saying a brief hello or goodbye and see you again soon lol. We always catch up later in the New Year when the madness has subsided a week or so later which is good.

That brings me to the New Year and where I was originally heading when I started this post...

Living with a mental illness you often cannot see further ahead than tomorrow, and if it's Anxiety like mine it is often best trying not to think ahead or even plan ahead, as thinking ahead can cause stress thinking about what is ahead, and planning ahead can stress you out if you worry about sticking with your plan or if things start not to go to plan, it's an endless revolving circle often like a revolving door were after a while you just don't know where you are going, whether you are coming or going and you just want to get off.

As a charity runner I try not to plan ahead too much and often just go out and run, no pressure on time, distance or speed. This enables a feeling of freedom and a relief from some of life's pressures for a short while.

This has long been the case for a lot of runners and why you find a lot of people who are suffering stress or Anxiety, or mental health issues find running such a help. It also helps that if you are lucky the brain releases some 'feel good' endorphins and gives a brief period of happiness and contentment.

As a fundraising runner though with mental health issues or indeed physical issues such as injuries, how do you plan ahead for yet another year of fundraising?...

One day at a time may help get you through life for a while, but sometimes little targets or milestones can often give a little incentive to push on and challenge yourself a little, but it is important to not beat yourself up if you don't make it to your goal or target first time or even second time round.

I failed last year in my target of finally running a 50 mile event as I had planned for quite a while. I had a knee issue and was not able to do the training I needed to be physically able to succeed. I was extremely disappointed with myself and it had already started 2 years before when I had to back out of a 53 mile event for a charity I supported due to a hamstring issue that didn't heal in time, that was 2015.

2016 I had dropped the 50 miler plans for that year and then suffered knee problems during my 3 hill/mountain marathons in 6 months fundraising challenge which to be honest I probably shouldn't of taken on but I did at the request of a regular guest at the hotel I work at as they asked if I could fund raise or raise awareness of an illness and charity they were involved in. I really was not going to say no to them. With fundraising I have always said that if I destroy my legs doing them but raise decent money along the way, then it was worth it, especially as some people have not even got the luxury of walking, never mind running.

2017 I booked 3 x 50 miler events so I could choose which one to do, and surprise surprise my knees still hadn't recovered properly and I decided 2017 would be a down year of practically no running or fund raising, but as ever I threw in some decent fundraising events and still did some good and thankfully could still run and walk ok at the end.

I have to say my Mum was constantly telling me 'You are doing too much!' which obviously then made me try and prove her wrong by indeed doing too much and pretending I then was ok.

2017 was obviously taken over by the passing of my Mum in June and I started the fundraising legacy in Mums honour called 'What Would Mum Do?' this gave me a new focus for the rest of 2017 and gave me goals to achieve and in a way helped me survive the year despite my mental health issues.

What now?...

Now late 2017 and I have to plan a New Year of fundraising not knowing how physically or mentally able I will be. I have created a '12 Days of Christmas & Reflection' fundraiser to help raise some money over Christmas and New Year for 5 charities my charity running group Run or Cake already fundraise for so that has given me some focus and a distraction from my own Christmas problems.

As I mentioned in my previous blog post, I will be also be doing the R.E.D. January fundraiser for Mind the mental health charity, where I will run everyday in January, or at least try.

Those two small goals will help me through the dark cold months of Winter and hopefully on toward Spring and my biggest challenge of my life so far...'The Return To Snowdon'.

The Return To Snowdon is the ongoing story of my Mum's love for Snowdon and Snowdonia and her final return there, where her ashes will be spread so she can admire the views she loved so much when she was able bodied enough to do so.

You can read that story here: https://snazzycracker2.wixsite.com/returntosnowdon

The story will eventually evolve into my act of remembrance in honour of my Mum one year on in June 2018 where I plan to walk from Chester to Llanberis and onto Snowdon using mainly the Welsh Coastal Path between Chester and Bangor which is a 80 odd mile walk then going onto Llanberis probably via Caernarfon which will add another 20+ miles and take it over 100+ miles likely.

A challenge indeed and one I will spend 3-4 days to try and do it safely. I have chosen to spread it out as I want to use the time to reflect and remember my Mum and once there I also intend on spending time reflecting on happy family times in the area where we went on family holidays.

Most importantly I will be visiting the spot that my Mum's ashes will of by then been spread on the hillside near Snowdon over looking Lyn Padarn a spot my Mum loved dearly.

I then intend on walking up Snowdon the next day as a final act of remembrance as I never managed to fulfil my ambition of walking up it with my Mum.

This fund raising walk of remembrance will give me the drive and determination to fight trough my troubles day by day, and I will use it to see me through yet another year!....


The fund raising links are as follows, please support me if you can, thank you.
Llanberis Mountain Rescue Team  https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/returntosnowdonmrt
Text donations code : (Code) LESJ49 followed by the amount, then send to 70070
Lupus UK https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/returntosnowdon
Text donations code : (Code) LESJ48  followed by the amount, then send to 70070

I 

Dealing with the Winter blues, often a SAD time for many.

The darker, colder wintry months will soon be upon us and although it is currently Autumn we have already hit the ever increasing onslaught of the late afternoon decent into darkness.

This for many marks the start of a long period of discomfort, uneasiness, lack of motivation, feelings of slight despair and sadness and many many other unpleasant feelings and repercussions of dealing with mental health issues, loneliness, depression and for some facing a Christmas without those they truly miss.

For some it is a recognized condition called Seasonal Affective Disorder or 'Winter Depression' .

For others who haven't got it quite so bad it is just a feeling of it's another year over and a time when often constant negative feelings of it's been another bad year go over and over in their mind. Even when it hasn't actually been a bad year the negatives come to the forefront more than the positives.

The mere fact that we are actually still here is a major positive and something we need to reflect on as often as we can.

As you know from the title of this blog I am running for my health. For this very reason I try and use running as a vehicle to steer me through the darker months of late Autumn and Winter. It can be hard as I for one am not a fan of the cold and the dark and I tend to hibernate in Winter and use it as a rest period from all my running during the year. This gives me valued physical rest and gives my body time to recover for yet another year of fundraising challenges.

This year however I have come to the realization that I suffer quite badly from Anxiety and although it's been there lurking in the background unrecognized in various forms it has come more to the forefront over the last year. I've had the worst bit at the end of last year when I had months of feeling physically sick and didn't know why and I eventually narrowed it down to sub conscious links between my mind and going to work each day.

I came to this realization after talking to someone who had suffered the same and the description of the feelings and timings made complete sense. The feeling of being sick would only appear in the hour or so before my next work shift and always after I ate. I thought for months that I had become allergic to something or had an intolerance to something I ate.

At it's worst I would feel overcome and on edge as soon as I stepped in the door at work and started my shift. So much so that my heart would be racing and I would become short of breath.

To cut a long story short I had multiple responsibilities at work in a minor role and as I like to concentrate on the job at hand I was getting severely stressed when given 3,4,5 or 6 different tasks one after the other before each was one was completed adequately.

This had gone on for a while and hadn't been addressed at work and it eventually became second nature to feel stressed, pent up, angry, and unappreciated.

The physical symptoms came to a head when I ended up on a warning for not going the 'extra mile' for a guest when quite frankly I was past caring as I was feeling like crap and worthless.

That was the final straw, I sought another job and turned my current job into a 1 or 2 day part time role with the help of my employer, who to be fair once I opened up about my problems did support me and were happy to let me downgrade my hours.

I got a new part time job at a local gym full off happy people enjoying life as they worked out and felt the benefit of the flow of happy hormones you get with an exhilarating workout or indeed run on a treadmill etc and their happiness and positiveness rubbed off on me and helped me feel happier, more positive and generally a lot better.

That was last October/Nov and that major change in my routine and life helped me get through a Winter that I otherwise would of struggled to get through. Don't get me wrong it was still a struggle but I got through it, I maintained some running and workouts through the Winter instead of my usual hibernation and I came out the other side ok.

This proved to me that running for your health is so vital in order to keep us going, especially through darker times. Not just our physical health but more importantly our mental health and well being.

The main point other than giving you a slightly off tangent part of my back story is that we need to ensure we get out there when times are tough. We don't want to, we like our bed too much, it's warm in there, it's safe in there, it's not warm out there and we often feel it's not safe out there also.

How do we get ourselves out there? how do we give ourselves a fighting chance? Join a gym, join a running club, join a running group on Facebook that will keep us actively communicating with the outside world. Runners are notoriously happy people most of the time, much to the disgust of some miserable b*ggers out there. We need to absorb their positive energy, make new friends with them, become part of their huge social circle where someone is usually always prepared to listen when we need it most, and give us a kind compassionate ear, and often a friendly support PM (personal message) to check we are really ok.

What else can we do? well if you want to go out and run but like me think the bed and a nice warm flat is a nicer option, we really need an incentive...

So what are the incentives? Well thankfully this year I for one discovered a project or campaign called R.E.D Run Every Day in January online and on Facebook. It is partnered with Mind the mental health charity this year and that itself was enough to make me sign up for it, despite having no wish to run for 30 consecutive days in Jan.

Luckily you don't have to run every day, you can walk instead, it could be to work it could be around the block. Just getting out of bed and into the fresh air and participating in something is a major motivator and improver of our overall health.

You sign up on line and it gives you plenty of warnings to take it easy as 30 days of running is a big call, hence why I would suggest taking the walk option most days.

You get a dedicated R.E.D Run Every Day technical T-Shirt which you pay an optional £7.50 for and they send you a fundraising pack as well with a calendar for Jan so you can mark of your progress as you go. There is no actual fundraising requirement, it is only an option but I would highly recommend doing so as the commitment gives you some purpose day to day. I would certainly recommend at least spreading your online link around friends and family on or off social media etc to get a little extra motivational help and support along the way.

Fundraising is a great motivator and it has helped me across the years to stay motivated, physically and mainly mentally healthy as much as possible, I would highly recommend it. If you ever suffer from feeling worthless and unneeded, this is a major way of helping resolve it, I can truly testify to that.

Here is the link for the RED website,  http://www.runeverydayjanuary.com/ have a look and click 'Join the movement' to get started. There is also a Facebook group to join with lots of like minded souls on there to help support you and who will share in their own personal journeys along the way. I have joined the group myself and they are a welcoming and open bunch of people.

If you join the facebook page you can find me on there as either Gru or Les Jackson, feel free to say hello.

I hope we can keep each other motivated along the way and push through the dark months and into the bright new Spring full of new hopes and dreams....

Gru.

So why the new blog?....

I often feel the need to share, to help and often to reach out to others  be it for my sake or for theirs.

This in itself has brought me to write this new blog, which to start will be almost journal like in form as I go over problems I am having or feelings I am struggling with or indeed issues I know other people are commonly suffering, and discuss or share possible bits of information that may help to resolve them.

Whether it be sharing links to helpful articles, video's, helplines, websites etc that I find when spending endless time on the web, or just being 100% open about what I am going through in the vain hope that my openness can help free others from the stigma of talking about their mental health issues

I am fairly prolific on social media and use it to help where I can and in many forms to fund raise for charities as well.

I have a private Facebook charity running group called 'Run or Cake' and we improve our running and health by pledging to run weekly, and if and when we fail we pay a small forfeit to our selected charities. It has been a great help to me and my own mental health as it has given me a sense of purpose and a direction to concentrate on daily.

It has also become a valuable link to mental health support as some members have chosen to message me privately and discuss problems they are having or have had. They have even openly discussed some issues within the group as it is a private closed group capped at 100 and everyone pretty much knows everyone else. If they don't know each other they certainly do after a few weeks and a few running events where they meet other members and have a good chat.

This openness about talking about our issues prompted me to start another Facebook support group called 'Who cares? Well we do!' if anybody reading my blogs wants somewhere to go and to chat openly to others with similar problems and know it's 100% private , then feel free to send a join request. The group is small at present but it allows people to either speak or listen about problems we may be having and with fellow sufferers as such in the group a wealth of advice or listening ears are available.

My long term hope is that by reaching out to others and discussing and talking openly about my issues I can be one of many people helping to break down the stigma attached to mental health issues and indeed the stigma attached to even talking about it in the first place.

I know a lot of people struggle with mental health issues, be it the milder forms which can be short term and do not need medication or treatment, and those who need to seek and have sought professional help and are successfully being treated for it.

As I have said I have had quite a few people openly thank me for talking about it on my personal Facebook and on my other blogs. They are my inspiration to write this blog, and I thank them for starting the ball rolling by being brave enough to be open about their own issues in the first place.

I will also post a lot about what I am doing to help my health and mental health. I have found that obviously running and exercise itself is a tremendous benefit and it is well recognized that this is a good form of active treatment to help. It is especially helpful for those suffering the crushing pressure of the 'Black Dog' a term sufferers will be familiar with.

On the days you can actually get out there the ability to run free for a while is often enlightening and exhilarating while you out run the lazy hair ball that is the black dog at least for a while.

He doesn't want you to run, he often doesn't want you to even get out of bed for that run, and he certainly doesn't want you to even think about going for a run, giving you constant negative thoughts about why you do it in the first place. You need to fight him, he only wants to stop you as he knows full well that he can't keep up and he knows as you get fitter healthier and begin to feel whole again, that he may lose sight of you for good.

Running is only half of it, you need to keep on top of your dietary health as well as your physical health. The running will help your physical health and the running will help release the happy hormones into your brain. This in effect is a form of treatment and a reminder of what it feels like on a good day. But that's just your brain sorted.

In order for your entire body to stay healthy and to help fight your issues you need to watch what you eat. You don't want your body being attacked physically from the inside as well. What we eat has a tremendous effect on our health and welfare and as I have discovered our mental well being.

Being and feeling healthy inside and out is a massive help and indeed my foundation for getting myself better and staying better with my own mental health and Anxiety issues.

For this reason this blog will also contain a lot of posts about what I have found the best resolution to internal and external health, a Whole Food Plant Based diet. It is the only diet so far to be proven to help halt and often reverse many chronic diseases, and it will provide you with a host of the good stuff and help you get rid of the bad stuff.

I hope you will follow my blog and indeed communicate with me in the comments below each one and indeed visit some of my other Facebook projects or blogs based around running, fitness, health and mental welfare and indeed one of my main drivers and focus, charity fundraising.

Thank you for reading...

Gru.