As Christmas has now reared it's overtly commercial ugly head for yet another year it is hard to remember the true meaning of Christmas, and indeed to stay grounded and remember all that we have to be thankful for.
It's also a time to remember those who are no longer with us this Christmas. For me I truly do not know how Christmas is going to go after losing my Mum this year. My Mum was a true believer in having her family around her at such an important time of year, especially as a Christian.
I must admit as someone who usually worked a lot over the Christmas period it was usually a strain to free up some time as I didn't get much time off and I usually wanted to spend it alone chilling out and having a rest. I can truly say now that that was a big mistake, and that family truly is the most important thing at Christmas, no matter what your job or whether you want time to yourself or not, as one year you will find you really are by yourself and you will regret lost opportunities.
But if you suffer mental health issues Christmas can be a real problem, and if you have Anxiety like me the pressure of keeping everyone happy and getting around everyone and doing all the Christmassy things can be a real challenge and often a daunting one. It can be hard to not make people feel like they aren't important to you because you are not making an effort, but it is not by choice, it is often a matter of survival to get through the stressful period in one piece and come out the other side actually looking forward to yet another year of the same.
My Dad will be spending his first Christmas without my Mum this year and I have to think how he is going to feel this year. I am off work on Christmas Day and Boxing Day afternoon and evening so chances are it could be the usual Boxing Day meal out like we usually do, as it always gave myself and my brother Christmas day to ourselves to spend how we please.
In my brothers case it was obviously enjoying Christmas with his own family which is important as the kids are young and they need to feel like Christmas is all about their day together and not rushing around all day trying to visit all the parents and in laws etc which can be a stretch at the best of times. Some years I don't even get the chance to catch up with him myself as our time off never matches, it's like working a shift and saying a brief hello or goodbye and see you again soon lol. We always catch up later in the New Year when the madness has subsided a week or so later which is good.
That brings me to the New Year and where I was originally heading when I started this post...
Living with a mental illness you often cannot see further ahead than tomorrow, and if it's Anxiety like mine it is often best trying not to think ahead or even plan ahead, as thinking ahead can cause stress thinking about what is ahead, and planning ahead can stress you out if you worry about sticking with your plan or if things start not to go to plan, it's an endless revolving circle often like a revolving door were after a while you just don't know where you are going, whether you are coming or going and you just want to get off.
As a charity runner I try not to plan ahead too much and often just go out and run, no pressure on time, distance or speed. This enables a feeling of freedom and a relief from some of life's pressures for a short while.
This has long been the case for a lot of runners and why you find a lot of people who are suffering stress or Anxiety, or mental health issues find running such a help. It also helps that if you are lucky the brain releases some 'feel good' endorphins and gives a brief period of happiness and contentment.
As a fundraising runner though with mental health issues or indeed physical issues such as injuries, how do you plan ahead for yet another year of fundraising?...
One day at a time may help get you through life for a while, but sometimes little targets or milestones can often give a little incentive to push on and challenge yourself a little, but it is important to not beat yourself up if you don't make it to your goal or target first time or even second time round.
I failed last year in my target of finally running a 50 mile event as I had planned for quite a while. I had a knee issue and was not able to do the training I needed to be physically able to succeed. I was extremely disappointed with myself and it had already started 2 years before when I had to back out of a 53 mile event for a charity I supported due to a hamstring issue that didn't heal in time, that was 2015.
2016 I had dropped the 50 miler plans for that year and then suffered knee problems during my 3 hill/mountain marathons in 6 months fundraising challenge which to be honest I probably shouldn't of taken on but I did at the request of a regular guest at the hotel I work at as they asked if I could fund raise or raise awareness of an illness and charity they were involved in. I really was not going to say no to them. With fundraising I have always said that if I destroy my legs doing them but raise decent money along the way, then it was worth it, especially as some people have not even got the luxury of walking, never mind running.
2017 I booked 3 x 50 miler events so I could choose which one to do, and surprise surprise my knees still hadn't recovered properly and I decided 2017 would be a down year of practically no running or fund raising, but as ever I threw in some decent fundraising events and still did some good and thankfully could still run and walk ok at the end.
I have to say my Mum was constantly telling me 'You are doing too much!' which obviously then made me try and prove her wrong by indeed doing too much and pretending I then was ok.
2017 was obviously taken over by the passing of my Mum in June and I started the fundraising legacy in Mums honour called 'What Would Mum Do?' this gave me a new focus for the rest of 2017 and gave me goals to achieve and in a way helped me survive the year despite my mental health issues.
What now?...
Now late 2017 and I have to plan a New Year of fundraising not knowing how physically or mentally able I will be. I have created a '12 Days of Christmas & Reflection' fundraiser to help raise some money over Christmas and New Year for 5 charities my charity running group Run or Cake already fundraise for so that has given me some focus and a distraction from my own Christmas problems.
As I mentioned in my previous blog post, I will be also be doing the R.E.D. January fundraiser for Mind the mental health charity, where I will run everyday in January, or at least try.
Those two small goals will help me through the dark cold months of Winter and hopefully on toward Spring and my biggest challenge of my life so far...'The Return To Snowdon'.
The Return To Snowdon is the ongoing story of my Mum's love for Snowdon and Snowdonia and her final return there, where her ashes will be spread so she can admire the views she loved so much when she was able bodied enough to do so.
You can read that story here: https://snazzycracker2.wixsite.com/returntosnowdon
The story will eventually evolve into my act of remembrance in honour of my Mum one year on in June 2018 where I plan to walk from Chester to Llanberis and onto Snowdon using mainly the Welsh Coastal Path between Chester and Bangor which is a 80 odd mile walk then going onto Llanberis probably via Caernarfon which will add another 20+ miles and take it over 100+ miles likely.
A challenge indeed and one I will spend 3-4 days to try and do it safely. I have chosen to spread it out as I want to use the time to reflect and remember my Mum and once there I also intend on spending time reflecting on happy family times in the area where we went on family holidays.
Most importantly I will be visiting the spot that my Mum's ashes will of by then been spread on the hillside near Snowdon over looking Lyn Padarn a spot my Mum loved dearly.
I then intend on walking up Snowdon the next day as a final act of remembrance as I never managed to fulfil my ambition of walking up it with my Mum.
This fund raising walk of remembrance will give me the drive and determination to fight trough my troubles day by day, and I will use it to see me through yet another year!....
The fund raising links are as follows, please support me if you can, thank you.
Llanberis Mountain Rescue Team https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/returntosnowdonmrt
Text donations code : (Code) LESJ49 followed by the amount, then send to 70070
Lupus UK https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/returntosnowdon
Text donations code : (Code) LESJ48 followed by the amount, then send to 70070
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